Sunday, October 18, 2015

How to Eat a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

You play. First, you play. Second and third and fourth and so on. That is your job. It’s fulltime. 24/7. You cannot slack off like the girls behind the counter at Pete’s Ice Cold Ice Cream. They are too slow.
They talk.
They talk.
Then, time passes.
They scoop. Bubble gum ice cream.
Slacking is in Section II, paragraph 3, line 14 of your job description. That doesn’t mean other people can slack.
You spend mornings at the Bonnie School.
And then not. Depending on some hidden plan where “weekend” shows up. Weekend is no different than other ends.
Because you play. You play.
You play with Bobby. Bobby doesn’t speak. There are no requirements that you speak.
You: Grrrrrrrrr! Arrrrghh!
Bobby: Blub blub blub
You chase a girl with a stick.
Mrs. Victoria takes it away from you.
Bobby chases a girl with a stick. You laugh.
Mrs. Victoria makes you and Bobby stand beside her on the playground.
It is nap time. You and Bobby run. You don’t stop. You run in a circle because the Bonnie School is fenced in.
You tell Bobby: Let’s run to the end of the world. That must be two blocks away. At least.
You live next to a cemetery and skunks live there. You tell Bobby: Skunks live in the cemetery. You tell Miss Jeanine: Skunks live in the cemetery.
Miss Jeanine tells you to be quiet. It’s nap time.
You and Bobby make airplanes with your arms.
You say: Vrrrrrrooooooom!
Bobby says: Blub blub blub
You tell Bobby: I saw pilots in an airplane. You show him your pilot’s wings pinned to your shirt.
You say: These are real wings.
Vrooom! Vroooom!
Mrs. Victoria and Miss Jeanine don’t understand that you are pilots. They sit you on the changing bench by the door.
Mommy shows up and says: Let’s go.
You ride home in the really cool maroon Ford Mustang. You put on the sunglasses and sailor hat that you wear when you ride in the really cool maroon Ford Mustang.
You slide down the banister and injure your testicles.
You sob. You pull down your pants and underwear to show Mommy your testicles. You stand there and cry louder.
Mommy doesn’t come.
Mommy says from the kitchen: Go to the bathroom. You should go to the bathroom and do your business.
You stand there with your pants and underwear pooled on the floor. You cry. Then, you pull up your pants so you can pull them back down again to do your business in the bathroom.
Now, it is lunchtime. Mommy stands at the counter with a butter knife. She opens the secret drawer where she keeps cookie cutters.
Mommy says: Ricky, sit down.
You are under the table.
Mommy brings a plate and a milk over to the table. There is milk in a glass that is not a glass. It is really a grape jelly jar with Fred Flintstone on it. Mommy just pretends it's a glass and you like Fred Flintstone. The peanut butter sandwich is cut in the shape of two stars.
You climb into your chair like a puppy dog. You lap the milk up with your tongue. You look at the two stars that are really a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You don't like stars. Your elbow accidentally knocks the peanut butter and jelly stars onto the floor.
You say: I don’t like stars. You lap up your milk. Mommy says: Stop that.
Then, Mommy picks up the stars and eats them. She takes out two more pieces of bread. Spreads peanut butter on one piece and jelly on the other. She smacks them together. She digs into her secret drawer and cuts the sandwich into a shape of a pumpkin.
You say: Can I eat the crust? I only want to eat the crust.
Mommy gives you the crust from both the stars and the pumpkin. Mommy finishes the stars first and then eats the pumpkin.

1 comment:

  1. Ha! Yes...this is SO how our childhood worlds and rhought process rolled!

    "You slide down the banister and hurt your testicles." Although the event itself is hardly funny, I am sitting here laughing and giggling. It's a perfect line.